Welcome to the Tattoo Zoo! A wilder place than the jungle ever could be, it’s packed with dreamers, risk-takers and free spirits whose personalities are as colorful as their ink. At this zoo there’s no feeding hour—but there is a Happy Hour. From Samuele, our hard-partying lion who rules the roost, to Hiro, a pig who decided he’d rather be creating the dinner menu than on it, we’re a sanctuary for those animals who sought something different for themselves than what the rest of the animal kingdom had in mind.
Most creatures are just trying to blend in, but these guys wanna stand out. Why? Because some animals just want to look different.
Meet the animals...
Barbara the hairstylist bunny
Ever since she was a child Barbara wanted to either be a glam metal rocker or one of their barbers. She’s come pretty close as the owner of a salon specializing in hair styles reminiscent of the 80’s Sunset Strip scene. With the amount of hairspray in that place you better not light a match within 1,000 yards.
There’s plenty of head banging music playing in her salon, which is decked out in concert posters and ticket stubs from her favorite bands like Twister Scissor and Motley Crew Cut. If you can hear her over the music you’ll learn she’s quite the conversationalist who knows a little bit about everything. You can ask her about ancient Roman history or her thoughts on raising the federal interest rate. Just don’t ask her to turn the music down.
In her free time you can find her working on her collection of hot rods, whose engines are somehow even louder than their speaker systems. They’re fast, powerful, and sure to leave any tortoise in the dust for good. And yes, her pile of unpaid tickets is proof she’s been known to drive more than a hare over the speed limit.
A Taurus, Barbara’s quick with a joke, and you can often find her at open mic nights. If you’re a customer you’ll probably recognize yourself in one of her bits--try not to take it personally.
Ever since she was a child Barbara wanted to either be a glam metal rocker or one of their barbers. She’s come pretty close as the owner of a salon specializing in hair styles reminiscent of the 80’s Sunset Strip scene. With the amount of hairspray in that place you better not light a match within 1,000 yards.
There’s plenty of head banging music playing in her salon, which is decked out in concert posters and ticket stubs from her favorite bands like Twister Scissor and Motley Crew Cut. If you can hear her over the music you’ll learn she’s quite the conversationalist who knows a little bit about everything. You can ask her about ancient Roman history or her thoughts on raising the federal interest rate. Just don’t ask her to turn the music down.
In her free time you can find her working on her collection of hot rods, whose engines are somehow even louder than their speaker systems. They’re fast, powerful, and sure to leave any tortoise in the dust for good. And yes, her pile of unpaid tickets is proof she’s been known to drive more than a hare over the speed limit.
A Taurus, Barbara’s quick with a joke, and you can often find her at open mic nights. If you’re a customer you’ll probably recognize yourself in one of her bits--try not to take it personally.
Buddy the sailor monkey
When you’re the son of an Admiral, the bar is pretty high. And it’s a miracle Buddy even graduated from the naval academy, considering he was always monkeying around. But hey, he made it--even if he is outranked by everyone except the guy who polishes the urinals and has spent over $10,000 on dramamine pills.
Serving as the cook on a battleship, Buddy can make a 5-star meal out of just a 50-gallon drum of ketchup and a crate of white bread. Other than that, they mostly just use him for ballast.
But there’s more to life than being a fine sailor, or...even a halfway decent one. As the best poker player on his vessel, Buddy has taken his helpless shipmates for tens of thousands of dollars, and nearly every penny has been spent wooing the women he meets at each port. Buddy has single handedly propped up the florist industries of Crete, Marseille, and Istanbul.
It doesn’t hurt that, as a Sagittarius, he has an excellent sense of humor. He’s quick with a joke and his charm seems to get him out of trouble as often as it gets him into it. If you’re going to spend 7 months rocking back and forth on the open sea, there are worse guys you could bunk with.
When you’re the son of an Admiral, the bar is pretty high. And it’s a miracle Buddy even graduated from the naval academy, considering he was always monkeying around. But hey, he made it--even if he is outranked by everyone except the guy who polishes the urinals and has spent over $10,000 on dramamine pills.
Serving as the cook on a battleship, Buddy can make a 5-star meal out of just a 50-gallon drum of ketchup and a crate of white bread. Other than that, they mostly just use him for ballast.
But there’s more to life than being a fine sailor, or...even a halfway decent one. As the best poker player on his vessel, Buddy has taken his helpless shipmates for tens of thousands of dollars, and nearly every penny has been spent wooing the women he meets at each port. Buddy has single handedly propped up the florist industries of Crete, Marseille, and Istanbul.
It doesn’t hurt that, as a Sagittarius, he has an excellent sense of humor. He’s quick with a joke and his charm seems to get him out of trouble as often as it gets him into it. If you’re going to spend 7 months rocking back and forth on the open sea, there are worse guys you could bunk with.
Hiro the sushi chef pig
Shop Hiro
Kenji the psychiatrist panda
Kenji is the resident healer and therapist of the zoo. You know when he’s arrived at the party because it suddenly smells like someone set fire to a shipping container of incense candles.
A classic Gemini, Kenji is a kind soul, and he’s made it his mission in life to help others overcome whatever is holding them back.
That said, he does have a few phobias of his own, such as heights, public speaking, cactuses, small spaces, big spaces, and averaged-size spaces. He’s also deathly afraid of being a therapist.
In fact, sessions typically end with the patient holding a sobbing Kenji.
Full disclosure: he is not technically or legally a “psychiatrist.” But he does hold a Certificate of Course Completion from Mrs. Todd’s School of Appliance Repair and Spiritualism. So he knows a thing or two about energy flow--plus he can fix most dishwashers.
His favorite food is PB&J, which he packs for lunch in a brown paper bag--the same one he’ll be breathing in and out of if he sees a spider.
To help with his anxiety, Kenji likes to listen to classical music, write poems about sandy beaches, and constantly ask others if everything will be okay.
Kenji is the resident healer and therapist of the zoo. You know when he’s arrived at the party because it suddenly smells like someone set fire to a shipping container of incense candles.
A classic Gemini, Kenji is a kind soul, and he’s made it his mission in life to help others overcome whatever is holding them back.
That said, he does have a few phobias of his own, such as heights, public speaking, cactuses, small spaces, big spaces, and averaged-size spaces. He’s also deathly afraid of being a therapist.
In fact, sessions typically end with the patient holding a sobbing Kenji.
Full disclosure: he is not technically or legally a “psychiatrist.” But he does hold a Certificate of Course Completion from Mrs. Todd’s School of Appliance Repair and Spiritualism. So he knows a thing or two about energy flow--plus he can fix most dishwashers.
His favorite food is PB&J, which he packs for lunch in a brown paper bag--the same one he’ll be breathing in and out of if he sees a spider.
To help with his anxiety, Kenji likes to listen to classical music, write poems about sandy beaches, and constantly ask others if everything will be okay.
Samuele the alpha male lion
His parents named him Samuele, but everyone just calls him “Sir.” He’s the designated leader and alpha male of the zoo, and if you’ve got a problem with that, well…the last guy who challenged his authority is still consuming most meals through a straw. What do you expect, he’s a Leo.
Like all good leaders, Samuele is willing to shoulder the burden of telling other people what to do. This is the price you pay when you’re as big, smart, and handsome as he’s pretty sure he is.
But after the sun sets he really lets his mane down and turns the EDM music up. This man knows how to party.
Sure, he’s been banned from most drinking establishments in the state, and no, he’s not “officially” allowed to operate a motor vehicle for the next 36 months, but that’s all the more reason to invite 600 of his closest friends over to his apartment and ensure he will never get his security deposit back.
In fact, the local noise ordinance is named “Samuele’s Law” in his honor.
For this king of the jungle, heavy lies the crown. Especially when he’s been up 18 straight hours fueled entirely by vodka sours.
His parents named him Samuele, but everyone just calls him “Sir.” He’s the designated leader and alpha male of the zoo, and if you’ve got a problem with that, well…the last guy who challenged his authority is still consuming most meals through a straw. What do you expect, he’s a Leo.
Like all good leaders, Samuele is willing to shoulder the burden of telling other people what to do. This is the price you pay when you’re as big, smart, and handsome as he’s pretty sure he is.
But after the sun sets he really lets his mane down and turns the EDM music up. This man knows how to party.
Sure, he’s been banned from most drinking establishments in the state, and no, he’s not “officially” allowed to operate a motor vehicle for the next 36 months, but that’s all the more reason to invite 600 of his closest friends over to his apartment and ensure he will never get his security deposit back.
In fact, the local noise ordinance is named “Samuele’s Law” in his honor.
For this king of the jungle, heavy lies the crown. Especially when he’s been up 18 straight hours fueled entirely by vodka sours.
Theodore the undertaker bear
Yes, he is an undertaker, and yes he worships at the Altar of Darkness, but for all of the moodiness this Cancer exhibits, at the end of the day Ted is a total sweetheart who just wants to give hugs.
He loves to listen to heavy metal music while he works--nothing helps pass the time embalming the dead like some thrashing guitar solos. You know the mortician is in when the flower vases in the funeral home are shaking and you can hear him howling out to the undead.
But when the workday is done, he likes to relax (and soothe those vocal cords) by pouring himself a cup of grey tea and honey. Then it’s time to work on some of his watercolor paintings. They’re mostly fruit basket still lifes and the occasional depiction of Satan chewing off the head of a lamb.
His birthday cards are the most genuine and sentimental, and his shoulder is the one everyone goes to cry on. There’s no one with a bigger heart than Theodore. So try not to be alarmed by the fact he sleeps each night on an autopsy table and carries a vial of blood around his neck. Cause when there’s someone who needs a friend, he’s right there.
Yes, he is an undertaker, and yes he worships at the Altar of Darkness, but for all of the moodiness this Cancer exhibits, at the end of the day Ted is a total sweetheart who just wants to give hugs.
He loves to listen to heavy metal music while he works--nothing helps pass the time embalming the dead like some thrashing guitar solos. You know the mortician is in when the flower vases in the funeral home are shaking and you can hear him howling out to the undead.
But when the workday is done, he likes to relax (and soothe those vocal cords) by pouring himself a cup of grey tea and honey. Then it’s time to work on some of his watercolor paintings. They’re mostly fruit basket still lifes and the occasional depiction of Satan chewing off the head of a lamb.
His birthday cards are the most genuine and sentimental, and his shoulder is the one everyone goes to cry on. There’s no one with a bigger heart than Theodore. So try not to be alarmed by the fact he sleeps each night on an autopsy table and carries a vial of blood around his neck. Cause when there’s someone who needs a friend, he’s right there.